Split personality weekend

I was of two minds this weekend.

Saturday, several people came to help in the yard. And other people took care of the kids while we did this (thanks Anton, Elena, George, Samantha, Adrianne). We got two trees planted and mulched, one tree cut down, two tree stumps removed, wood stacked, and many lettuces and parsley starts planted. And the driveway swept (thanks to George; fellow leaf blower hater).

It is just great to have so many people come and help out. I feel so supported! So much so, that as I worked, I started fantasizing about starting a (culinary) mushroom farm in the wooded area in the back of the yard (something Mike and I had batted around for years).

Then I started harvesting lettuce and realized that the lettuce beds would probably never look this good again, with Mike gone. That really shook me up.

Then on Saturday, the life insurance check arrived, which after paying off business debt, is about enough cash to float our life for 2.5 years. Which certainly does not comfort me enough to think I can “relax” or even take much more time off (and I have already been doing some work for the past few weeks).

In fact it is really stressful thinking about how to carefully shepherd/steer/invest this money and make it work for us for many many more years than that. All of the sudden, all of the confidence I used to have as an entrepreneur is gone. Fear and apathy seem to have taken its place. And exhaustion.

The life insurance money somehow also made Mike’s death seem more official.

I went off the deep end, trying in my mind to return the check. I must have said “I don’t want it!” a couple hundred times as I paced and cried through the house (both kids had playdates) for well over an hour.

Sunday wasn’t a whole lot better. We went to church and the kids did fine, but I felt exhausted, brain filled with fog the entire time.

We came home and I still felt exhausted, drained, lifeless. I went to work out (thanks Mike McDowell for watching the kids) but the class was cancelled. So I went to some open houses, trying to scout out a bargain house that needs work. Which served to stress me out some more.

The kids have been doing well with others (on playdates and spend-the-nights), from all reports. However, they save the fighting, stress, rebellion, shouting and all that ugly stuff for the homefront. So, yes, its a mess. But then they can be so sweet and introspective, too. I can’t figure it out. I guess they have two minds, too.

On that note, I think I’ll go to bed.

Please let tomorrow be one of those days that I function so well that I wonder what is wrong with me. (As in, Jeez lady, didn’t your husband just die? How can you smile, wear makeup, make business calls and function like a real live person–aren’t you supposed to be mourning or going to the widow’s support group or something?)

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