Slow Food and Fast Food, Love and Pain
Avery eats his first turkey leg. Photo by Flash
Flash, CC, Marley, Avery and I celebrated Thanksgiving early this year—a potluck with friends. Somehow, I ended up cooking my very first turkey for the shindig. After two short years of cooking regular meals and 10 years of vegetarianism only recently ended, it seemed a daunting task. (Mike was such a fantastic cook, I was truly handicapped in the kitchen by the time he died in 2007. I rarely cooked a meal in the 17 years we were together.)
Since returning to my omnivorous roots back in February, I’ve been purchasing local, free range, antibiotic-free meat from a farmer that I met while on a photo assignment years ago. Vegetarian at the time, I made a mental note that if I ever were to purchase meat again, it would be from Charles Ritch of Goose Pond Farm.
And I’ve made good on that promise. (more…)
Things I Never Thought I’d Hear My Five Year Old Say
Hearing his dad’s music on the ipod seemed to open up the topic of death for Avery. Here a few of Avery’s thoughts on the subject:
• “I have a hard time when you aren’t with me. When I stayed at Jaren’s house, I was so scared that you would die and I would come home and we would have to bury you.” (more…)
Spirit phones and homegrown tomatoes
Sometimes malaise sneaks up on me, and other times it follows a more predictable path. As cliché as it might sound, today’s bout of blues definitely seems related to the fast-approaching 2nd anniversary of Mike’s death (Sept 13).
I’ve found no good way defend myself against the pain. It comes uninvited.
I am haunted by a past that is gone and a future that no longer exists. It began in the relative quiet of Labor Day after Flash, CC, and her kitten Casey departed from The Okey Dokey Ranch after spending a raucous and rainy but fun Saturday and Sunday here.
This afternoon, Marley went to Tannehill State Park with her friend Bella, which left me alone with Avery. The boy has been quite wild all weekend—a draining surprise after he acted disarmingly docile and charming Friday afternoon after school. By Monday afternoon I was, shall we say, finding it difficult to appreciate Avery being anywhere near me. I really just wanted to be alone with my thoughts. (more…)
Tear-filled goodbyes and a difficult introduction
Back to reality. Whatever that is. Kids are home from their month long trip to New Mexico. They stayed with Mike’s mom Dinny and her husband Frank in Las Cruces. From all accounts, the trip went swimmingly well for everyone.
Dinny brought them back yesterday and flew out of Birmingham today. About an hour before she left, Avery asked if he could go back to NM with her. “Just for a day.” And then he asked why she couldn’t stay here longer. Oh God, I knew what was coming. A big burst of tears after he said goodbye to her at the airport. Absolute sobbing. And I thought to myself, “I don’t remember him crying like this after his dad died.” Of course, he was three then and surely didn’t know the ramifications of what had happened to his dad.
“We’re not going to see grandma for a long time,” he said in the car. (more…)
Heart crush
Sometimes the weight of what has happened hits me like a wrecking ball. It is all I can do to not crumple to the floor and disappear. But it is good that it comes in waves because if the real impact of this horror hit me for a full day, for instance, I don’t know if I could continue to breathe. Even now, my breath is shallow and I’m having a hard time believing that my heart is even beating.
Space Cleansing
It’s been an intense weekend. Many social events, and also a more private happening. A cleansing of the “trauma energy” in the space in my basement where Mike died. (more…)
Life as a ghost
It is so strange going through the day as if nothing has changed.
Bring the kids to school; work on the books; close on a house; bullshit with the real estate agent; answer the phone; meet the HVAC guy; talk to the guys doing demolition work on my houses; listen to the radio; read a snippet of a novel. (more…)
Sunday blues
I can already see that Sundays are going to be the worst day of the week; it was most often the day that all of us would be home together, working in the garden, cooking, listening to NPR. Yesterday was just like one of those days, except it was Mike’s mom with us from New Mexico instead of Mike. And that was great–she’s had a great time with the kids and vice versa. Mike and the kids and I have always appreciated and enjoyed her visits. (more…)
Can't stop crying
Why this morning?
Is it because I’m going to close on a house by myself today (we bought nine houses together)?
Because it is All Souls Day and the wall between the worlds is at its thinnest (and why can’t I feel you, Mike?) (more…)
Curses and blessings
I have a really mundane voice mail message from Mike on my cell phone. Every time it pops up into my ear, I am startled and then strangely comforted. I guess I’m pretending that if his voice is so close and so real that everything must really be okay. (more…)
A quick question
How dare the sky be so blue today?
dreamthoughts
oh my partner
how i long to laugh and to cry
in your arms
to feel your breath on my skin
to see your smile light up the sky for eternity
or just one more time
On the strength of peanutbutter jars
I’m so mad at Mike that I won’t even write what I’m thinking about him right now. I’ll save it for the ears of those special few (you know who you are) who are kind enough to listen to my rants in person. (more…)
Split personality weekend
I was of two minds this weekend.
Saturday, several people came to help in the yard. And other people took care of the kids while we did this (thanks Anton, Elena, George, Samantha, Adrianne). We got two trees planted and mulched, one tree cut down, two tree stumps removed, wood stacked, and many lettuces and parsley starts planted. And the driveway swept (thanks to George; fellow leaf blower hater). (more…)
The healing power of food
Call me a sucker. The way to my heart is through my stomach. (more…)
Death of a dream
Some friends and I started to inventory Mike’s production gear last night (thanks Julie and Tom). I’m going to sell it. It doesn’t justify itself as rental gear–not enough income. And the rate at which things become obsolete, selling sooner rather than later makes the most sense.
And when I sell, I’ll be able to pay off some of our business debt.
Yipee. (more…)
Heading for the breakdown
Today, I took my first still photo gig since Mike died. It wasn’t much. Drive to a desolate mobile home near Guntersville, meet the wife of a man on death row (she met and married him 15 years AFTER he was convicted), take a photo of a photo of the happy couple during a prison visit and head back to B’ham. (more…)
Going through the wreckage
I think that maybe one of the best ways to deal with the wreckage that my life seems to have become is to go through every file, every photo, every card that I’ve saved over the years and either get rid of them, or put them together in some way that makes sense. (Dumping them into a plastic box doesn’t count).
(more…)
The floodgates open
Last night, I had a dream that Avery and Marley and I went swimming at Turkey Creek, and the water was extremely high. Avery had jumped in the water, which made me panic, because he cannot swim so well yet, but there he was paddling away, as I know he can, and also, miraculously, breathing too. What a relief. I then turned to Marley who took her turn jumping into the dangerously high water. Lo and behold, she also could swim. Much better than I thought she could. (more…)
Just say no
I hate waking up in the morning as the soft sunlight filters through my newly-installed windows onto the brand new crown moulding in my freshly-painted bedroom (all of which Mike enjoyed for less than one week). (more…)
Do you know how to save or record cell phone ringtones/messages?
Does anyone know how to record messages left on a cell phone? I’ve got at least one message from Mike ( a really pedestrian one, but his voice nonetheless) that I’d like to save and maybe burn to a disc. Any advice is appreciated.
Grief comes out in unexpected ways
This morning Marley was cutting out and painting crowns for Avery and his friend Forrest. She used some sparkly paper that Mike had given her, which he had acquired on some production job or another.
Avery and Marley
Many folks have asked how the kids are doing. Amazingly, they seem ok much of the time. But then, I suppose if you saw me all day, you might think I was ok, too. (more…)
