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Life is But a Dream—or Maybe Just a Big Bowl of Soup

Nothing like the holidays to bring back memories of holidays past. Former lives within this life haunt me—so many moments and people that are now gone forever. They are real in my mind but elusive as a dream.

Life is so much more fluid than I ever knew. My mind keeps bumping into the people of the past as I cherish time spent with people of the present.

“Their souls are in the halls of my mind,” says Flash of his dearly departed. I know what he means. Continue reading “Life is But a Dream—or Maybe Just a Big Bowl of Soup”

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Slow Food and Fast Food, Love and Pain

Avery eats his first turkey leg. Photo by Flash
Avery eats his first turkey leg. Photo by Flash

Flash, CC, Marley, Avery and I celebrated Thanksgiving early this year—a potluck with friends. Somehow, I ended up cooking my very first turkey for the shindig. After two short years of cooking regular meals and 10 years of vegetarianism only recently ended, it seemed a daunting task. (Mike was such a fantastic cook, I was truly handicapped in the kitchen by the time he died in 2007. I rarely cooked a meal in the 17 years we were together.)

Since returning to my omnivorous roots back in February, I’ve been purchasing local, free range, antibiotic-free meat from a farmer that I met while on a photo assignment years ago. Vegetarian at the time, I made a mental note that if I ever were to purchase meat again, it would be from Charles Ritch of Goose Pond Farm.

And I’ve made good on that promise. Continue reading “Slow Food and Fast Food, Love and Pain”

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Tear-filled goodbyes and a difficult introduction

Back to reality. Whatever that is. Kids are home from their month long trip to New Mexico. They stayed with Mike’s mom Dinny and her husband Frank in Las Cruces. From all accounts, the trip went swimmingly well for everyone.

Dinny brought them back yesterday and flew out of Birmingham today. About an hour before she left, Avery asked if he could go back to NM with her. “Just for a day.” And then he asked why she couldn’t stay here longer. Oh God, I knew what was coming. A big burst of tears after he said goodbye to her at the airport. Absolute sobbing. And I thought to myself, “I don’t remember him crying like this after his dad died.” Of course, he was three then and surely didn’t know the ramifications of what had happened to his dad.

“We’re not going to see grandma for a long time,” he said in the car. Continue reading “Tear-filled goodbyes and a difficult introduction”

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okey dokey here we come

It feels like (and is) the next big chapter in my life. Flash has built me a beautiful light-filled office on what used to be the back porch, and the kids have seperate rooms to come home to tomorrow.
I came home from a party just now thinking I’d cut the grass and Flash beat me to the punch. He’s already out there slogging away, so I sneaked in the office (which has giant windows overlooking the back 40), grabbed my laptop and brought it into the kitchen to get in a quick blogging entry.
We’ve given my (our) house a name. Flash’s house on southside was given the name “The Asylum” years ago. One night he casually asked what we are going to name my (our) place. I blurted out “The Okey Dokey Ranch.” We both laughed and I promptly forgot about it.
A few days later, Flash said that he really liked the name I gave our house. He had to remind me of the name. Much easier than naming a child. Though I feel like The Okey Dokey in some strange way IS and will be our child. Our big creation together. Continue reading “okey dokey here we come”

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Marley lost her first tooth tonight

Another first–a non-holiday milestone that Mike has missed. One of those things that I know he would have loved to celebrate with her. And maybe he is. It’s just not that apparent to me.

Marley is soooo excited. When this happened, I of course was happy for Marley, but my mind also immediately went to “well, here’s another thing that Mike will never get to enjoy.”

Continue reading “Marley lost her first tooth tonight”

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Heart crush

Sometimes the weight of what has happened hits me like a wrecking ball. It is all I can do to not crumple to the floor and disappear. But it is good that it comes in waves because if the real impact of this horror hit me for a full day, for instance, I don’t know if I could continue to breathe. Even now, my breath is shallow and I’m having a hard time believing that my heart is even beating.

Continue reading “Heart crush”