On days like today it’s easy to see how the idea and ideal of the nuclear family is embedded in my psyche, despite my months of trying to get used to/be content with my status as a single mom.
It’s even harder to swallow our status when I see how it affects my children.
Today was one of those days where the contrast of “before” (intact, nuclear family with its occasional rough patches and frequent feelings of contentment and joy) and “after” (frequent rough patches and occasional feelings of contentment and joy, but none with the depth that I felt before Mike’s death.)
First, at church, I was in a class with Marley and Avery where we were all to take turns describing our family. I cringed as I heard what we were about to do. Marley asked me in a whisper if she could include her father and our two dogs that died when it was her turn to describe our family. I said “sure.”
Then the kids were told to draw a picture of their family on a mural. She drew four of us.
She’s not deluded, she’s just as tired as I am of explaining our situation, as she explained to me later. Can’t say I blame her.
Later in the afternoon, a fundraiser from my college alma mater called, trying to raise money for the French department. And of course, the inevitable questions about employment came up. When I said I wasn’t working, she asked if I was a stay at home mom. “No, I’m a recent widow with two failing businesses. And at this rate I’ll likely lose my house,” said I. That didn’t stop her from asking for $150. Good grief.
That kind of shit really gets to me.
Finally, even later in the afternoon, someone in a book club that I had been active in a while back asked if I was going to start up again. I would LOVE to be lucky enough to just be able to say “yes,” but of course, as always, childcare is an issue. And I am weary of the ceaseless arranging I have to do to have a night out, and besides, I can’t afford a babysitter, all of which I explained to her.
All of this comounded by the beautiful weather which made me want to get out in the garden and work. Except I’ve got 2,000 other things on my to do list first.
I am tired, weary, alone, and on days like this it is beyond me what I’m supposed to do about it.
Crying for an hour didn’t seem to help either.
Life really sucks.
And I question whether things are ever going to be better, feel normal, or even just okay.