Let’s get real here. No glossing over the facts.
My life situation SUCKS.
No matter how much I travel, exercise, socialize, meditate, get massages, pedicures, go to my therapist, psychic, friends, family, love my kids, succeed in business or anything else, at the end of the day, I am a single fucking parent and I never wanted to be in this position and I HATE this.
I hated going to Avery’s last day of art camp today and seeing all the mothers AND fathers there admiring their children’s art. It really made me want to scream. I had to force myself to stay in the room, smile on my face despite the tears rolling down my cheeks.
And I hate how I hated all of those other families for being so nuclear and happy and oblivious. And I hate that I know damn well Mike would have been there and Avery would have been so proud to have his parents together admiring his work. I hate that his father will never show up at anything like this for the rest of Avery’s life. I hate that I didn’t enjoy the opening because I’m trying not to cry too hard during what is supposed to be a happy moment. And I don’t have the option to not show up b/c there is no one to back me up any more. For anything.
I hate having to go through the mental and logistical gymnastics to arrange a simple night out and ALWAYS having to hire a sitter, so there’s no such thing as a cheap outing.
I hate running two businesses by myself with no one else to share the challenges and joys of running a mom and pop (oh, excuse me, a mom-only, single fucking mom,) operation.
I hate that no one over the age of 6 gives me hugs and kisses every day.
I hate the loneliness.
I hate a that s 17 year love affair with all of its attendant ups and downs (and let us make no mistake, there were plenty of downs as well as ups) is simply gone.
There’s nothing I can do about any of this except hate it. And grieve. And hope someday, some aspect of my life will seem normal again.
And maybe I’ve gotten really good at supressing this grief and hate by doing all of the aforementioned things that make so many people gush that I’m doing so amazingly well and that I’m so strong etc etc ad nauseum.
Well guess what? It’s not true.
Not a great way to go through life.